If I Look Seamy Now

Tune: Cy Coleman's "If My Friends Could See Me Now"

If I look seamy now,
You ain't seen nothin' yet.
I look like Chairman Mao,
When seen in silhouette.
I've rubbed my back with salve
Until it was raw;
Around my waistline, beaucoup av-
If I were keepin' tabs,
I'd have a freakin' cow—
I've lost my washboard abs
And gained a washboard brow.
I'm as old as Tony Dow
(Or maybe the Beaver):
Dig my grave and plant me now.